Dan Telfer

January 6th! Be there!

2011-12-19T13:12:00.004-06:00

Comedy Bang Bang!

2011-12-14T20:04:00.004-06:00

In case you missed it, I was on Episode 135 of Comedy Bang Bang, and you can listen here!

Also, my first video game review was recently published by The Onion. I reviewed a Lord of the Rings game and did not like it, so I tried to make my frustration as articulate and erudite as possible out of respect for the disrespected source material. Check the review out here!

LA shows: Check it out!

2011-10-14T11:09:00.006-05:00

Please repost this poster, link it, etcetera! I'm job hunting out in LA and can use any attention I can get. These are awesome, awesome shows I get to do.

And I'm serious about there being "more throughout the week." There will be surprise shows I'm not allowed to talk about but are 100% in the books.

Artwork via the amazingly talented Mike Holmes.

Pop Pilgrims!

2011-07-01T10:22:00.003-05:00

The web series I co-host for the Onion AV Club, Pop Pilgrims is now live! Most of mine have already "dropped" so to speak, but there's a new one every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday for a few more weeks. My Chicago episodes will be some of the last to air, so there's still some new stuff to come.

If you haven't heard me ramble about it on my social websites, the premise is that I fly around the country to different pop culture landmarks from film, TV, music, and literature and interview an expert on the topic. Like the house from Texas Chainsaw Massacre outside of Austin, or the streets of Treme in New Orleans.

I only host half the episodes, so if you want to see those specifically check out Memphis, New Orleans, Austin, Seattle, Portland, Eugene, and Chicago. Although I do the introductory voice-over for every episode! That was neat.

Here's one of my absolute favorites, when I talked to Cobain friend and biographer Charles Cross outside Kurt's former home. Seattle may have been my favorite city to visit- my trip to Fantagraphics headquarters is the second one I embedded here. Holy shit did I consider dropping comedy to apply to be a comic book publishing intern. For a second.

Seattle: Kurt Cobain Park

Seattle: Fantagraphics Comics

More dates!

2011-04-18T21:33:00.003-05:00

Note the updated poster! Click it for a larger view.

Tour, Now With Tour Dates!

2011-04-08T09:58:00.007-05:00

Click for the full-size image of that bad boy.

One of the cooler parts is going to be working with local comedians. Some I've never met, and some are still being confirmed. But in Austin I my opener will be Kerri Lendo (a fellow opener for Maria Bamford and local rockstar) and in Seattle my opener will be Mike Drucker (Nintendo writer and former SNL writer). So these openers might actually be better than me! Hooray! The comedy nerd wins! More details are in my Google Calendar in the left margin of dantelfer.com. And Curious Comedy Theater in Portland is run by my old Chicago improv friends Stacey Hallal and Bob Ladewig, so I am beyond thrilled to work in the space they've created out there.

Erin English did a fucking amazing job on this poster. I cannot fucking believe it. Visit her site or follow her on Twitter, she's an insane dinosaur-obsessed Canadian genius.

Tour!

2011-03-27T00:23:00.003-05:00

So as you may have heard me announce on social media sites, I will soon be hosting a new web series for the Onion AV Club. This means I will be going on a mini-tour whilst I travel and shoot the series. Keep an eye on my calendar here, as well as Twitter and my Facebook fan page, I'll be announcing dates for that soon.

Also, if you're down there in the Southeast, I'll be opening for Patton Oswalt in Athens, Georgia at the 40 Watt. Where he recorded his first album! Pretty fantastic. I just got to open for him at the C2E2 with Comedy Death Ray and it was a ridiculous good time. I found the 501st Legion and they brought me out in wookiee cuffs to the Imperial March. 1400 nerds went apeshit. Here's some photos of that show!

Important Show!

2011-03-04T00:25:00.001-06:00

You'll see I have some pretty rad shows in the calendar to the left (Patton Oswalt, anyone?) but I have one show I really need a crowd for! So I am making all attendees a very special offer of GIFTS if you come out:

So please, click here and buy tickets ASAP! Thank you!

Tickets for SF Sketchfest are half off!

2011-01-11T16:26:00.003-06:00

Tickets for Friday's show are half off! Get them here while you can!

2011!

2011-01-03T09:02:00.003-06:00

First of all- hey Chicago! I am doing a show on January 10th called 100 Proof Comedy at ComedySportz. I want you to come for two reasons:

1) I have headlined it before and I'm headlining it again. What a great, great show. I was nervous at first when I was last booked because it's a new show, and it's at an improv theater which can lead to a skeptical or sparse audience leery of stand-up. But thanks in large part to the host and producer Jamie Campbell, who is a hilarious and savvy guy, this was a very enthusiastic, packed crowd. And, though I already knew this, the room is laid out perfectly for stand-up. Great seating, bathroom and bar outside a door, everything is just great. I'm going on the road so much that I unfortunately have to be a little choosy with my Chicago shows now, and I can't wait to come back.

2) The following Thursday and Friday I am co-headlining the Punch Line in San Francisco, and I need to get my material warmed up in front of a good crowd. So if people came ready to see me, just generally speaking, that would really help me out!

And needless to say, if you're in San Francisco on January 14th and 15th, PLEASE come out to a show!

Also, I finally listed myself on Eventful.com. I thought it would be a good place for me to list my shows, but also I wanted somewhere I could track interest. I know hardly any comedians in Chicago use it, but as I am not in LA or NYC I do not have a bunch of TV credits and not a lot of managers are going to do my booking for me. Yet I feel like a lot of people are following me online here and on Twitter or what have you, and it would be silly to not take advantage of it. So look me up on Eventful! If a ton of people want to see me come to a town, it's something I can show a venue.

San Francisco Sketchfest!

2010-12-09T23:50:00.002-06:00

I'll be co-headlining two shows with Dan Mintz at the Punchline comedy club in San Francisco, one on January 14th and one on January 15th. This is a hell of a prestigious festival, and if you don't believe me check out this full lineup that was just posted on ASpecialThing.com.

I'm a part of the "SF Sketchfest Dozen," and if you look at that link the rest of the "Dozen" are pretty fracking spectacular comedians. Surely I am the only one that does not live in NYC or LA and have TV credits. What a freaking honor.

I don't know how many of you can make it out, but I am excited to do my favorite material out there for so many reasons! It will also be my first time in San Francisco in any context, and January is not a bad time to get out of Chicago and head to California for a couple days, that's for suresies.

Here's a link to the official site.

It's all good!

2010-10-13T00:43:00.003-05:00

After over a decade of free-lance writing, nearly a decade of IT computer support, and over a year of searching for a day job, I found a job as a full time writer. I started this week. Good times.

The official Mad Men book I co-wrote is an Amazon bestseller.

Also, this Friday and Saturday I am opening for Brian Posehn at Comix in NYC.

And this Thursday is my lovely wife's birthday.

It's a good week.

Work!

2010-06-24T12:48:00.003-05:00

While I have so many of you here, I need a job. For reals. I would love to write for Conan, host a show about science, or pen Jurassic Park 4. I am currently making small sums from stand-up and supplementing with unemployment checks. Let it be known that I like feeding my family!

Welcome again to the massive visitors coming over from all over the place. If you want to hear more about the video, read the last entry.

Hello, Internet!

2010-06-22T15:41:00.007-05:00

First of all- CRAZY exciting shows in my calendar! Check it out! I'm headlining The Comedy Attic in Bloomington, IN. I'm opening for Paul F. Tompkins and Brian Posehn again! Both of them! It's cuh-razy. See calendar.

Also, my CD had a kick ass opening release. It hung out for a while in the iTunes Top 50 Bestsellers! What??? So awesome. You can still buy it as a part of the 3-Pak on AST Records' site, or on iTunes here.

I had ridiculous fun at last week's Just For Laughs Festival. I got to see some of my favorite comedians go up at The Vic, meet a couple of awesome ones, hang out with some I hadn't seen in a long time, and do two fantastic shows. The Secret Big-Time Local Comedy Showcase was Tuesday night at Chicago Underground Comedy, and I got to do a 25 minute set for a sold out 250+ audience. Damn!

Then Saturday night I got to tape a set for TBS called LOL Lounge. It should be online soon. Look! Proof!

Also, my site is getting a ton of traffic because of this video going viral:

Over ~~5,000~~ 30,000 new views in the last 12 hours. That's at least semi-viral! Note to the Aspergers-ridden nerds emailing me about it: so what if I fudged Giganotosaurus and said Gigantosaurus? And I may have confused where the fake apatosaurus skull came from. The point of the joke is that I have too many opinions, not too many facts. Also, I have been accused of having "plants" in the audience. Are you kidding? I have gotten pachycephalosaurus and allosaurus at least ten times each. Comedy fans are smart. See: previous category of haters. Also, I have been improvising comedy for over 10 years and know what to do if the audience has, say, NO dinosaurs they want to talk about. Case in point:

The Onion and Patton Oswalt!

2010-05-04T12:14:00.005-05:00

I've got a very cool thing online, a featured interview in The Onion's AV Club with me! My name and face even made it onto the front page of the print edition. Crazy. Thank you Kyle Ryan!

Also, this is a little belated, but since this weekend I'm having my headlining show at The Wilmette Theater in lieu of the headlining weekend I was supposed to have at the Lakeshore Theater, I thought this would be nice to post. Here's Josh Modell, John Roy, Patton Oswalt, me, and Chris Ritter backstage before I opened for Patton last Boxing Day. We chatted about Star Wars and Avatar quite passionately as this was taken. Long live the Lakeshore!

Fossil Record: in a CD 3-Pak with Greg Proops and Paul F. Tompkins!

2010-04-15T14:08:00.002-05:00

Read about it.

AST Records!

2010-04-09T17:01:00.004-05:00

So here's the big news, if you haven't heard- my CD EP is going to be released on AST Records! That label is amazing, and I am very fortunate that they like me enough to welcome me into their family of artists. Not familiar? Go to their site. It's ridiculous who else is on the label.

Stay tuned here on the blog, or follow me on Facebook/Twitter, because it's going to be a pretty special release.

Long Live Lakeshore!

2010-04-02T13:41:00.002-05:00

I am very sad to report that my home base, my club of clubs, the theater that championed me, will be shutting down next week.

If you've been to my webpage/blog before, you know that I have had a million and one wonderful experiences at the Lakeshore Theater. They've set into motion almost every good thing I've had going for me in the way of stand-up. I mean cripes, scroll down one entry!

At any rate, my headlining show in early May is obviously canceled. But I have so many fantastic memories from the place. The real loss is not mine, but Chicago's. I have grown up here, both literally and artistically, and there is simply no replacing LST. And there is no person who cares about edgy, interesting comedy like it's owner Chris Ritter. We, Chicago, are screwed. They put up amazing locals who had not been on television yet as full-fledged headliners and packed the 300 seat house. There's not even a theater space that big, period, that isn't funded by rich local aristocrats and gigantic "Broadway in Chicago" budgets that care nothing for local artists. Lakeshore put up dozens and dozens of local talents in addition to myself. Just massive support and opportunities for local comedians that occurred every week.

Headliners will end up going to smaller clubs and bigger theaters where there will be no opener, or one of a few elite ones that the club trusts. Local comedians will feel the hit immediately, and for a long time. Chicago was always lean on opportunities for comedians to grow and network, and it just got a lot leaner.

That said, if any of my fellow comics are reading this, don't quit! Keep creating your own shows! Keep submitting to other clubs! It is never nearly as tough as it feels! But if you're simply a fan of comedy reading this, you have no idea how much tougher it just got.

The Nerd Spectrum!

2010-03-03T15:39:00.006-06:00

Last month, Victoria and I went on a date to see Brian Posehn. When I got there I was offered a guest set. That I was allowed, even encouraged to take it by my wife is a sign that I have the bestest of all wives in the multiverse.

Then with infinite luck he remembered me. Last Wednesday I got to open for Brian Posehn in Flint, Michigan at a heavy metal club called The Machine Shop. It's known as the best venue for metal in Michigan, and one of the most interesting, if not only, spots for entertainment in all of Flint. I found out when I got there that it was the first ever comedy show they'd had. Hoo boy! Most of the crowd had gigantic goatees and sleeve tattoos. "Are you going to wear a suit‽" my wife asked incredulously, interrobang implied. Yes, yes of course.

They somehow packed 400 people in there and it was awesome. They love the dark humor in those metal Flint social gatherings!

Then I went with Brian to Peoria, Illinois and got to open to sold out crowds at the Jukebox Comedy Club. Brian's got a huge following and it was awesome to get to tag along for four days.

I'm off to England to visit my in-laws. In the meantime, my headlining show at the Lakeshore is coming up really fast. Please buy tickets and spread the word! It's on me to prove my shit and pack that place.

Dinosaurs

2010-02-10T14:24:00.001-06:00

Newer Video!

2010-01-13T22:46:00.000-06:00

Boxing Day!

2010-01-06T13:31:00.004-06:00

On Boxing Day I opened for Patton Oswalt. This meant:

1) My tradition of spending Boxing Day getting plowed from sunrise to sunset on holiday flavored Bailey's and Dragon's Milk was shot.

2) I got to work with another of my heroes.

The Lakeshore Theater was sold out, and Patton did me the pleasure of not only riffing on my dinosaur bit but more than once plugging my upcoming headliner weekend at the theater. My brain was melted. Having any headliner take interest in their opener is a rare gift, but that kind of attention from someone you have so much respect for is hard to take in. Still working on that.

I'm taking it easy on shows this month, just some in-town appearances at The Lincoln Lodge and Chicago Underground Comedy. More touring in February through May. And, honestly, I'm kicking this whole writing for television dream into high gear. Those jobs are nigh-impossible to get. Wish me luck.

Janeane Garofalo Interview

2009-12-07T15:23:00.003-06:00

I interviewed Janeane back in May of 2007, when I had been doing stand-up for all of 2 months. It was going well, but I was still petrified of doing this interview. Janeane is one of those stand-ups known for speaking her mind and being incredibly individualistic, and while I had always thought of myself as a like-minded person I was suddenly starting from scratch when it came to self-expression. Sure, looking back and even then I could recognize how I was progressing fast because I'd made my previous 10 years of performing useful. But here was someone doing what I wanted to do for a living, and doing it without flinching on even a molecular level. I did this for the infamous Chicago comedy website The Bastion in connection for a double-headliner show she was doign at the Lakeshore Theater with Patton Oswalt, but the site has since been absorbed by its parent site The Apiary and I don't believe this is online anywhere on that site. So I am republishing the interview in its entirety below. It is also cool to realize I would open for her at the Lakeshore Theater less than two years in the future from this interview.

Dan: So how are you doing?

Janeane: I'm good, I'm good, except for my flight. I'm in Austin, I'm fine, but I sat on the tarmac for a few hours before they told us the flight wasn't leaving. Which is always a drag. I was on my way back to New York just for a couple days to see my dogs, and then the next show is going to be in North Hampton and then Boston. So I'm just missing out on the dog time. Not on show stuff.

Dan: Is this an official Ratatouille movie tour?

Janeane: Oh no not really, it's just this coincidence. They just figured why don't we see if we can get Patton and Janeane in the cities that requested press, just if they can. So it's not an official Ratatouille tour, it's just that we happened to be doing press in a lot of the cities we're doing stand-up in as well.

Dan: What's this I'm hearing about the Henry Rollins show?

Janeane: Well, I'm on his IFC series doing monologues, not in every one of them but I'm in a lot of them. Then Henry and I are doing shows, him doing spoken word and me doing stand-up. Marc Maron and Henry Rollins and I did ten shows together that had nothing to with the IFC series, then hopefully Henry and I will continue doing that.

Dan: So at this point you've done a ton of TV and movie stuff, how often do you really get to do stand-up these days?

Janeane: Oh, I'd hardly say a ton. Hardly a ton. No honestly, it's not that much. I've been doing stand-up consistently since 1985. I'd say the only time I've had to take somewhat of a break was the two and a half years I was at Air America because that was 5 nights a week, every week. That was the only time I've had to slow down doing stand-up. Obviously you can't do road work all the time, but in New York, where I live, there's always plenty of opportunities to do stand-up.

Dan: Which do you prefer at this point-

Janeane: Stand-up! Everybody always asks me that so I always just answer before they finish. "Of all the mediums, blah blah blah" Yes, stand-up. Definitely. I just like controlling the content. I like radio and stand-up the best. Because with both Air America and in my stand-up I'm writing the material that I say or saying it extemporaneously. You know, you are the architect of "it".

Dan: Now that you've gotten to do all this political stuff and this radio stuff, is that going to be a constant in your life?

Janeane: Well, you know, as anybody who is politically conscious, it's always a constant in your life. Now obviously I'm not going to be at Air America constantly because I no longer work there. So yeah I'm not going to constantly work there. But I'm always going to be a person who is in interested in and follows and has something to say about politics. Most people do, you know? As a tax paying citizen it's your right and your obligation to pay attention. You know? I'm just interested.

Dan: I remember when I first started hearing you on Air America there was just this huge onslaught of right wing, snotty nosed people who were treating it like "how dare a comedian have a foray into this discussion". They were giving Al Franken the same sort of crap.

Janeane: Right. They'll grasp at any straw. They're fine with Dennis Miller as their right-wing comedian. They're fine with Ronald Reagan, and Fred Thompson, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. The one thing you've gotta learn about Republicans and right-wingers in general: they're hypocrites. They believe in nothing... except dominating. So they always pretend to be outraged about something. But really, it's them grappling with other personality problems they have. You know what I mean by that? (laughs) The right-wing movement, quote unquote. In this country, like any country. It doesn't matter what nation you live in or what era you live in. A right-winger, a quote unquote conservative is a person who's struggling with a million other demons. That's why they are the way they are. So they always pretend to be miffed about a lot of things, but it's really, it has much more to do with whats wrong inside of them.

Dan: Have you had to deal with a lot more of those people face to face since you did Air America?

Janeane: Oh! Oh sure! It was before Air America, it was... it gets to a point where it means nothing to you anymore, you know what I mean? To have... Bush fans, or conservatives, or... or Repub- I don't know what to call them, you know? Whatever. We'll just put them in a category of people who've got issues to work out. You know? They've got problems. There's no shortage of them in your face. And after a while, the good lesson that comes out of it is that you realize it doesn't matter. You know? You can only... be honest. That's all you have to do. You'll never please everybody, and you'll never be everybody's friend. Everybody will never like you. You know what I mean? So there's no point in trying to parse your words or be amenable, especially when it comes to a conservative. You'll never win. You know what I mean? Like, I don't mean you'll never win an election. I'm just saying...

Dan: You'll never change their mind.

Janeane: You'll never change their mind. Because like I said, it's not political. In their case it is personal. It's their personal problems, that's why they're on the "right" side of things. Whether it's racism, misogyny, homophobia, or being a closet gay, or being a person who is anxiety-ridden or fearful... all of these things lead them to pretend they are Republicans. Do you know what I mean? (laughs)

Dan: They're not even following the actual Republican ideology.

Janeane: Not at all. And a lot of them, that's what leads them to fundamentalist religion as well. And I'm not talking about regular religion. I'm talking about fundamentalism in politics and fundamentalism in religion. And there's of course, in the Republican party, just your corporatists. They don't care who you are, where you come from, just that your money is green. That's a whole other issue, and I don't worry about them and they don't have a problem with anybody. As long as there is money being made. You know? You can have two gay guys fist-fucking in Bush's office as long as money is coming out of somebody's ass. You know what I mean? That's fine! I can deal with a corporate right-winger to some degree. I don't agree with them, but at least they're honest.

Dan: Right, they'll have some character.

Janeane: Yeah, they're just honest, it's just money. Whereas the other Republicans, and conservatives, and religious right-wingers, they're not honest with you or with themselves. And therein lies the rub!

Dan: Is there any one person, because you were a comedian immersed in all this, is there any one person who tried to be funny to you but in a right wing way? And then it was just like-

Janeane: South Park I guess. In that movie Team America? I guess that was them being funny. At the time I didn't think it was funny at all. Now, I don't give a shit at all. But at that moment! Unprepared for it. And as you know, any time you blow up somebody's head there's gonna be cheers from the audience. And I can remember being devastated. Very, very upset... because... to be quite honest I always had a crush on the curly haired South Park guy.

Dan: Oh, I think thats-

Janeane: -I don't really even know whose name that was! Who was it?

Dan: I think that's Matt.

Janeane: Is that Matt? The one with the glasses? The taller one?

Dan: Yeah.

Janeane: So it's a real bummer to have a crush on somebody who then blows your head off. It's a little bit embarrassing! So, beyond that, I was like so you guys think that myself and the other "puppets" that you're lampooning... you think that calling a liar a liar is something to be mocked? Do you know what I mean?

Dan: Right, a layer-cake of misinterpretation. Like they hadn't really listened to what you had to say. They just wanted a liberal actor to pick on.

Janeane: Yea, they like to pretend that they're not political. They like to pretend that nobody should listen to people in entertainment. Then why should we pay for tickets to see your movie Trey? Why are we tuning in to South Park every week? You seem to have an opinion every week! And yet they like to pretend they're just like... aw shucks! You know, they're not like the others, they're something... special.

Dan: You've never had to run into them since them?

Janeane: Oh! I did! I did, I ran into them in New York and I said, the least you can do is give me my puppet! And one of them put my address into his address book and said "I shall do that!" and I never got my puppet.

Dan: Well I heard that movie cost a ridiculous amount of money to make. Maybe they're in trouble and they couldn't.

Janeane: Oh no, I think that movie did very well, or did very well on DVD! And you know what, for them, do you know how wealthy they are? Do you have any conception of how much money those two young men have?

Dan: I suppose they're not putting a personal stake in it is the difference.

Janeane: Well, I don't know. All I know is it's like a lot of right wingers on Fox who love to pretend "Oh, those wealthy Hollywood..." you know, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, do you know how many millions of dollars a year those guys make? They're multi-millionaires, and they're incorporated, and they're far more recognizable than I ever have been or ever will be. You know what I mean? Like I said, the basic principle in today's Republican Party is hypocrisy first. Whatever it takes.

Dan: A little bit of consolation I can give you is I know a decent amount of female comics in Chicago and you're pretty much everybody's hero.

Janeane: Oh! That's nice!

Dan: Yeah, my friend Erica, Thea, and Elizabeth all wanted me to say so.

Janeane: Well tell them I said thank you very much!

Dan: Thank you so much Janeane!

Janeane: Yeah, say hi to your friends for me!

Dan: You're doing three shows at the Lakeshore?

Janeane: Um, I think Patton told me it was two, but three is fine, let's do that! Sometimes they do that- I want to say two? But three is fine!

LA LA land!

2009-11-30T21:08:00.004-06:00

So I am back from Los Angeles, and man alive I like it out there. Don't get me wrong, I love Chicago and I am still in love with New York. But people who whine about Los Angeles are just plain whiny. Especially if you are a performer. Sure there are silicon homunculi stalking every beautiful hilltop hiking path, but that does not mean these hideous half-humans actually own the hilltop. The view from up there is as much yours as anyone's. Just don't ask me if I'm moving there. Nobody is moving right now. It's expensive. Don't be rude.

That's the running order for Comedy Death Ray on 11-17-09. I saw CDR when I was in LA last year and was completely blown away. It is what a comedy showcase should be- sketches and stand-up of ridiculous quality and variety. That I got to be a part of it is absolutely insane and I am incredibly grateful.

I did such fun shows all week- I also did What's Up Tiger Lily?, The Ed Galvez Punk House, and 12 Shiny Nickels.

Through the generosity of an awesome aquaintence on the writing staff, I was allowed to hang out backstage at The Tonight Show two days in a row. Wow. I love TV, and I'd gotten to hang out at Late Night over the years thanks to the same generous person. Being in the green room was so surreal. Also, I was in the right place at the right time. Through another person who works for Conan (I am trying not to drop names out of respect) who knew my stand-up, I went from eating Conan's cupcakes on the couch to being invited to perform in an audition showcase for the Tonight Show's stand-up booker. Holy fucking shit. Just days after auditioning for Letterman. I think I did a bang up job on 3 hour's notice too. So, have I heard back yet?!? Hey. What did I tell you about being rude?

The last show I did was 12 Shiny Nickels, and I have to give thanks to the show's producer Dan Bialek for letting me headline. I saw a brick wall framed in a window frame on the back wall of the show's stage and thought it would be funny to cannonball into it at the top of my set. So I did a weird fake CEO character who was pretending to jump out of a 30 story window to commit suicide, only to have had the window bricked over by his board of directors. But surprise! The brick was (in reality) millimeter-thick particle board and I exploded through it and disappeared backstage. I spent my whole 10 or 12 minutes talking the audience through it, repairing the window, and finally finishing my set trapped backstage behind the fixed wall with a microphone. It was surreal and awesome and embarrassing at once. A nice out.

Dan Bialek also does a really funny video podcast of sorts with my good friend and host for the week Andrew DeWitt called Gamedians. We filmed a week's worth of reviews based on classic NES games. It was so fun to shoot- I can't wait for them to go live. Keep an eye on their site for my videos to go live! Probably some time next week.

That's Andrew on one of our hikes.

It was a really cool week filled with hikes and fun lunches with talented writer friends (thanks James Asmus and Matt Belknap!). And my hosts Andrew and his awesome writer fiancee Tammy Connors could not have been cooler. But I am really happy to be back with my family for a week and a half. Being out of town for 6 days takes a real toll when you have a hot wife and amazing daughter.

Now I spend much of December driving north, doing shows in the upper peninsula of Michigan and Minneapolis, Minnesota. I don't know what I was thinking setting myself up for driving north just when snow and ice is beginning to become a problem. Send me positive thoughts and I promise to drive defensively.

Letterman..?

2009-11-11T21:21:00.002-06:00

I'm auditioning for Letterman Sunday at Zanies downtown. Come on by if you can!

Autumnal!

2009-11-10T11:00:00.000-06:00

Short notice as usual, but I'll be going up tonight at Chicago Underground Comedy. Also, I'll be performing at The Lincoln Lodge Thursday and Friday this week.

I'm heading out to LA next week from the 16th through the 21st. I'm gonna be doing some shows out there like What's Up, Tiger Lily?, The Ed Galvez Punk House, and 12 Shiny Nickels. And, well, maybe some other surprises too big for me to brag about just yet. And I have a pretty big mouth so this is jowel-stretching business.

More info on all the shows is in the Google Calendar on the left!

Shows have been going great, and I'm getting more and more excited about headlining the Lakeshore Theater in May... Have I mentioned that here yet? But I also just had the worst club weekend I will probably ever have. Grab me in person if you want to hear the story. The headliner called my material "faggoty." Oh lordy.

Pumpkin Time!

2009-09-04T09:46:00.007-05:00

This was a pretty badass surprise when I got to Bloomington, IN. They don't normally put the featured performer on the marquee, but they thought enough people remembered me from the Maria Bamford shows that it would bring in some audience. Of course that is logical and makes sense but I felt like a little kid when I saw it. First time my name was on a big ass comedy club marquee. I had to blog it for posterity in case this is me peaking. And of course Jackie was hilarious and lots of fun to hang out with between shows.

Speaking of peaking:

John Oliver is brilliant on The Daily Show, but he got into comedy via stand-up and his material is even more genius than a fan of his TDS segments might expect. The shows were completely sold out and high energy, to the point where there were some spastic-with-joy hecklers. Luckily John Oliver can manage a heckler like Rick Bayless manages guacamole. Did you see the Top Chef Masters finale? Good lord I want Frontera guacamole now.

So that's August. I survived doing nearly a-show-a-day for 31 days. This weekend I'm in Vernon Hills featuring for Juston McKinney. So while my busiest month ever is over, I am not done. I shall try not to collapse.

Thanks to everyone who has put up with my lack of socialization since attempting to do comedy more full time. It has been financially terrifying, but I have never felt closer to doing what I am supposed to be doing for a living. Hopefully we will break bread soon. Or pumpkins! Holy shit you guys, it's autumn-ish already! Let's have pumpkin bread, pumpkin pancakes, pumpkin lattes! It is time for those delightfully fat squash to be sewn into our meals like a delicious Mary Shelley horror story. Embrace it.

Busy Times!

2009-08-06T12:44:00.004-05:00

I'm doing shows pretty much non-stop this month. I'm working with people like Jon Reep, John Roy, John Oliver, and Jackie Kashian. Hey Jackie, if I stared at my schedule too long it was starting to look like a They Might Be Giants clone factory... thanks for not being named John or Jon!

These are some pretty freaking great people. So as if I wasn't blogging infrequently enough, prepare for less!

In the meantime, here's some new videos of me. The first is me doing a bunch of my bird-hipped-creature material (and if you're one of those people who cares, it's clean!), the second is me improvising for 8 minutes or so. I approve of both!

TCB: Taking Care of Business!

2009-07-24T11:14:00.003-05:00

Just look at that poster. Could such a lovingly crafted poster be made for a one-time-only comedy show if it wasn't going to be un-fucking-believably gorgeous?

Tomorrow night I'm closing out a night of crazy crafty stand-up called TCB. I'll be doing an extended set with my friends Ricky Carmona and Adam Burke (who drew that poster), and it's all hosted by the funniest lesbian in the charted universe Cameron Esposito.

Here's the Facebook event.

Let's kick it.

Nicer Film Titles

2009-06-18T06:23:00.005-05:00

On Twitter, people will often create games that end up in the Trending Topics. You'll see some topics have a "#" tag because it saves character space and others don't (because sometimes there are just words that are coming up a lot). But then there will be a topic with a "#" that is obviously silly.

Yesterday I saw one had appeared called "#nicerfilmtitles", films that have already been made but renamed to sound more pleasant. I was jealous I didn't think of it first, and also was looking for a quick joke writing exercise, so instead of coming up with my own topic I posted 50+ entries in an effort to dominate the game. I gained about 30 followers and lost about 10 (I guess some people want their Twitter feed to be quiet like a library, because they are lame). Some of these are pretty dumb, but I think there's a few good ones in there.

Here they are, reposted from my Twitter account:

A Streetcar Named Complacency
Das Slipper
Schindler's Kindle
A Drive-Thru Truth
Friend-Requesting Sarah Marshall
G.I. Joe: The Rise of COBRA Insurance
Drag me to Help
The Rocky Road Picture Show
Teen Poodle
No Country Time Lemonade for Old Men
You Got Soft-Served
Madea Goes to Screenwriting School
Zach and Miri Make a Hummingbird Documentary
The Curious Case of Benjamin Velcro
You've Got Actual Mail
The Mood Ring of the Christ
Angels and Naughty Retired Angels
The Da Vinci Sudoku
Traditional Funeral at Bernie's
There Will Be Ketchup
Skinks on a Plane
The Shawshank Probation
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Taking a Power Nap
Best-Selling Fiction
Mars Cuddles!
The Penultimate of the Mohicans
Interview with the Blood Donor
Ferris Bueller's Perfect Attendance Award
Skepticism and Criticism in Las Vegas
Donnie Pouto
Inactive Poets Society
So I Married an Axe Sharpener
The Shushing of the Lambs
Napoleon Sparkler
Edward Safetyscissorhands
Time Out to Smoochy
The Day the Earth Chilled Out for a Second
Bram Stoker's Shut-In
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Helmet
Minor Pickle in Little China
10 Things I'd Like to Sit Down and Discuss About You
V for Validation
Chinchillatouille
Reconcile Bill
Flying Nocturnal Mammal Gentleman Begins
Ghostrehabilitationers
This is Spinal Support
Barton Marmot (I realize now that I blended the meanings of "Fink" with "Mink". Maybe "Barton Jerk"?)
Dr. Speciallove
The Post-Binge Dehydration
Horseplay Club
The Empire has a Bee in its Bonnet
Taking the Scenic Route in Translation

I've got more shows coming up that I haven't posted in my calendar yet- stay tuned!

A Special Thing!

2009-06-09T17:40:00.004-05:00

Don't forget, you can watch me on The Bob and Tom Show tonight on television!

Click here to see if you get WGN America where you live. The show is on at 11pm Central.

Also, I have somehow appeared on the splash page of comedy nerd mega-site aspecialthing.com. Behold my terrifying visage!

(permanent link to the front page article here)

Bob and Tom + New Video

2009-06-07T13:12:00.004-05:00

Hey! Here's a new video of my stand-up!

Also, I'm going to be on The Bob and Tom Show on Monday morning at 7:00 AM Central, 8:00 AM Eastern! If you go to their site, you can see your location's closest affiliate! A big picture of my face! Heaven to Betsy! But perhaps best of all, the segment will be taped for possible use on The Bob and Tom Show's TV edition on WGN America. So keep an eye out, I might be on the television.

B-Town!

2009-05-12T11:09:00.004-05:00

That's me, doing an impression of a jock whose latent homosexuality is bearing down at him the same way that supernova bore down on Romulus (Guess what I saw that morning? Don't worry, I didn't actually say Romulus onstage. I made the movie a separate piece of business.)

Opening for the Bammer in Bloomington was so freaking great. I was told by many residents that it is "the Austin of Indiana". It's a pretty hip little college town, and I had no hard time finding comic books and vegetarian food, so I would say the comparison holds! Also, my very good friends Caitlin and Devin drove down from Chicago and brought local family to a show, and I told the story about when I drove down to B-Town for their wedding and purchased a gargoyle in Gnaw Bone, IN. It felt so cozy and geektasticeriffic, it was like I hadn't even left my neighborhood. And yet there I was opening for one of my heroes in a new venue. I went to the Soma coffee shop, drank a rooibos tea next to an old television with a fish tank in it and read a B.P.R.D. comic book. I WAS A FUCKING KING.

And I come back to this neat article in TimeOut, about Twitter and Comedy. They also talked to Nick Vatterott and Paula Poundstone! Nice freakin' company to be in.

Also, bunch of new shows coming up. Check the calendar!

Secular Humanism at Work!

2009-05-07T08:34:00.007-05:00

Marc Maron left before I could go all comedy nerd on him and get a picture, but Janeane hung out and chatted with fans for over an hour after the show. She doesn't have email or manage any social website nonsense, so real-world interaction is the only way people get to tell her how awesome she is. Lucky for her fans, she is cool staying up late.

The shows were so fun. Someone shouted out "Dinosaurs!" after I came onstage. That's one of my fucking bits! Someone just yelled it out. Okay sir, I had planned on doing something else but how can I not do the dinosaur bit. Marc and Janeane killed. Both of them have very casual stage personas, and it sells the dark material so well. I took a lot from that.

So the next week and a half will be a little crazy. Tonight I head out to Bloomington, Indiana for three nights of shows with Maria Bamford. Then on Tuesday I'm performing in the charity gay(la), then the following Friday and Saturday I'm emceeing for Todd Barry at the Lakeshore Theater, then on that Sunday are callbacks for the Montreal and Chicago iterations of the Just For Laughs Festival. After that I will hopefully get some time to catch my breath- I do have a family after all.

Come Out For Change!

2009-04-30T21:48:00.003-05:00

Some of you may remember my blog post last year where I got on my e-soapbox for gay marriage in Illinois. Anyway, I hope some of you do. Gay rights are one of those causes that I feel particularly passionate about. One has only to truly connect with a gay friend of family member to know how important gay rights are. Homosexuality is a part of the human condition whether you are ready for it or not, so it's high time the more frightened of us started adapting and stopped resisting.

I've been asked to be a part of a show called Come Out For Change: A Gay(la) for Charity. Tickets are $20, pre-sale only, so it will definitely sell out. The show will benefit Allied For Equality and PFLAG, two organizations who include among their major goals forming bonds of support between gays, their friends, and their relatives. And I am the "token straight comic". It will be a priviledge to get up in front of this crowd and talk about my own nature, which resembles that of an 8 year old girl more than a grown man. But more than that I really want people to know more about these organizations and to get involved.

The more vocal we are, the more bonds will form, and the more ignorance will lose it's footing. If you agree that the world would be a better place if homosexuals were afforded the same luxuries and rights as straight people, please take some time to make your voice heard on this issue. Tell everyone you can with whatever platform you have at your disposal. It makes a bigger difference than you might think.

Garofalo, Maron, Barry, and a CD!

2009-04-23T10:11:00.007-05:00

So I have a bunch of new dates coming up. In particular, I will be emceeing the double-headliner shows of Janeane Garofalo and Marc Maron on May 1st. Later in the month I'll be emceeing again for Todd Barry. All at the Lakeshore Theater. Hooray!

I also ordered 100 copies of a CD... of me! It's going to cost a cheap $5 and I am going to sell them exclusively at shows and see if I can't make a little pocket money. They are 17 minutes of my material from the two shows where I opened for Paul F. Tompkins at the Lakeshore. 17 minutes that I am proud of though, and it sounds damned fantastic. It was recorded with really professional audio equipment and I was very grateful for the chance to have the shows captured so nicely. Also, it would be rude of me to not mention that my friends and Chicago ex-patriates Team Submarine have just released a CD as well, which you can order online!

I will be back on the road with Maria Bamford (that still sounds like words that I am typing in the misty landscape of my imagination, but no, tis reality) in early May as well.

Cripes! I am sure having a good time. Did you hear Patton Oswalt's daughter was born? I never thought it would really happen, but I am excited to hear more about how it changes his life as a fellow atheist/enthusiast. To read the lovely flight of fancy attached to the news, you will have to search the strip malls of the internet. Because Patton wants it that way.

My daughter is one year old today!

2009-04-03T16:56:00.001-05:00

I posted about it over on my baby blog, Baby Parade. Warning for the icy of heart- there is video.

Hoo Nelly!

2009-03-08T23:23:00.003-05:00

Look, if you're drunk and incapable of defending your point of view, you should never come to a comedy show and yell at the comedian.

Especially if that comedian is a sober nerd.

ESPECIALLY if your heckle is "Have you even SEEN that movie?"

I had such a great time in Peoria with Ms. Bamford. There is still a part of my reptilian brain that is trying to reconcile the idea of me performing, and then suddenly 30 seconds later I am sitting down watching one of the funniest people on the planet for an hour. Near the end of my time in Peoria I think I came to terms with it. Sort of. It's not for lack of confidence, this has certainly been one of the biggest explosions in confidence I've ever had. The idea just seems a thousand times bigger than my brain has room for, like trying to fit a to-scale model of the solar system inside Peoria city limits.

This week starts with Zanies, has my first Chicago Underground Comedy set in months in the middle, and ends with Paul F. Tompkins' CD recording. Busy week! See a show, won't you?

I'm also excited to add that I will be performing at a big Gay Rights benefit at the Center on Halsted in mid-May. More info on that soon! In the meantime don't forget to hug the nearest gay, it doesn't have to be a special occaison at all!

In brother news, my brother Robbie Q. Telfer was nominated for a BAFTA for his writing in the video game Ninjatown, and got a great write-up in TimeOut for his interview with famous activist Bill Ayers.

Damn Good Times

2009-02-23T20:47:00.005-06:00

I don't know what I did to become such a lucky jerk.

You may have already heard, but I'll be opening for Paul F. Tompkins on March 14th at The Lakeshore Theater. He'll be recording his new CD that night, and you can buy tickets here.

I have been having such a great time this year, but the news that I got this particular gig blew me away. Thanks to all my friends and family who have put up with me while my life has taken this weird turn. I have probably been too giddy to stomach, and your tolerance of this confidence has been comforting.

Boron

2009-02-17T23:29:00.005-06:00

Those who know me will remember my affection for Conan O'Brien. I have sat in his greenroom, had my name used in a sketch, shaken his hand, been congratulated on my marriage by him, even been threatened over "stealing his coffee". This is all thanks to the incredible generosity of someone on his writing staff who only became my acquaintance via comedy nerdery. I'm a lucky bastard. Conan (and perhaps even moreso Brian Stack) rule.

I don't blog about Conan or his show that much because I had a dear dream shattered when it was announced that Conan was moving to the Tonight Show in LA. Sure, one day I could still work on or be a guest on the show and it would be even more huge and amazing. But so much of my teens and 20's included dreams of being a writer for his show, arriving early to drink coffee outside Rockefeller Center, perhaps purchasing a Pokemon figurine at the Nintendo store on my lunch.

There have been a lot of great sketches in this final season, but this one made me guffaw so loud I nearly woke my barely-sleeping child. Best I not describe it, merely share it. This is one of Conan's final sketches, and one of his most delightful:

More with Maria

2009-02-16T15:48:00.002-06:00

Looks like Maria and I will team up again at the Funnybone in Bloomington, IN in the beginning of May!

Hooray!

2009-02-09T16:36:00.011-06:00

I have been doing a ton of shows. This last weekend I opened for Maria Bamford to four packed houses at the Lakeshore Theater. An opportunity like that means a lot of things to a lot of different kinds of people, so I don't know what to say other than it was absolutely fantastic and I am infinitely grateful. I feel like I could brag for a few thousand words, so instead here is a token "look who I opened for" comedy nerd photo that co-opener and buddy Adam Burke took of us backstage. Adam kicked ass, and I am such a fan of his.

What else? I sold a bunch of books at the Maria shows. There's three of them now, these silly volumes that I make in correlation with the Encyclopedia Show. And there's soon to be a fourth book. You can see them all via the link on the top left of the blog, or here.

I'm too busy. Comedy and non-comedy work are consuming a lot of my time, time I used to use for video games and chilling out. And my daughter isn't sleeping anymore, pretty much ever. She's doing great other than this whole "I'm going to give my parents brain damage from lack of R.E.M." kick she's on.

Thanks to the many friends who came to the Bamford shows! I can't believe how great it was to not only open, but then hang out and watch her perform four full length sets. It had been too long since I'd seen one of my favorites in a nice big venue.

Later this week I am off to perform in Madison, Wisconsin with my buddies Ricky Carmona and Bryan Bowden. Check us out if that's your neck of the woods! Details in my calendar to the left.

Doppelganger

2008-12-14T19:00:00.006-06:00

I found this a year ago. It:

A) Makes me really uncomfortable how much this guy looks like me.
B) Is really awkward in a borderline sexual way.
C) Comes up as the first video on YouTube in a search for chimp belly.
D) Was an influence on my big diet this year.

Organ Donation

2008-12-11T22:40:00.005-06:00

This year, like many of my friends and family, I cannot afford to give the gifts I want to give. I find myself hauling ass with my hobbies to see if I can make a little scratch that I will then put towards these presents. I love trading gifts, but let's face it, we do it because we have excess to share with those we love and think deserve it. There are more meaningful ways to give to people than to spend money, money we don't really have right now.

Are you an organ donor? Even if the front of your driver's license says that you are, and you're sure of it, you may not be completely registered. You must re-register either online or at a DMV if you originally signed up before 2006 in Illinois. A great recourse that has been passed on to me is the site www.donatelife.net. Click on the top to see the rules in your state. Heck, do it online from scratch and you're done in just a few seconds.

I've recently met someone very little and cute, someone who needed a liver transplant only a few days after we'd met. He was very lucky that his daddy was a match. What time he did spend on the donor list was a lesson in just how few people donate their organs. He's currently recovering in the hospital and I'm following his mother's blog hoping everyone stays well over the holidays. There's not much I can do for them as I don't know them that well, and what can you really do for someone in that position but send them encouraging thoughts? It would be pretty amazing peace of mind for me if I could get just one reader of this blog to register online, certainly a better present than any of the shiny things I don't truly need.

A Book!

2008-12-10T15:21:00.003-06:00

I have amassed a lot of writing, fiction and otherwise, that I would like to get published. But sadly that whole "collecting rejection letters for years" adventure has slipped farther and farther down my priorities list. Stand-up is going extremely well, my television writing portfolio is getting fat, and I have a family, day-job, etc. I love it, but I simply don't have the minutes in the day to pay a whole other set of dues that may never pay off.

Well, when I put things on the back burner they tend to simply not happen. One thing I do have time for is designing covers and laying the books out for self-publishing! So here we go, click here for my bookstore. Check out my first book, a short little guide book of lies!

I may be my own publisher, but I have pretty high personal standards. Once I can polish things up, keep an eye out for my other books. I have two novel manuscripts, a collection of short stories, plays, and a fake marine biology textbook I am eager to bring to the masses.

More Artwork

2008-11-27T21:20:00.003-06:00

So my dearest Andrew (pay him to draw) decided to honor me with a painting. Clearly this is exactly what would happen would that I could live within a fantasy universe. Shunned from most adventuring parties for being a member of a "fake hybrid class" and shunned by my fellow Spellswords for wearing 20th Century retro eyewear, I would hole up in a castle tower and summon a tentacled demon.

Back in Chicago

2008-11-19T15:55:00.007-06:00

Oh, I like to pretend I'm a big fancy writer/performer, but man I had a good time as a comedy nerd while in Los Angeles. I'm just the prodigal forest troll, barely socialized enough to not wield furniture like clubs and roar when I see something pretty.

The touristy stuff was great- I did a lot of research first, and decided my big goals would be:

La Brea Tarpits: Achieved! Made for school-children, devoured by the likes of me. I only wish their plush woolly rhinos and doedicurus came at affordable prices, or I would have taken home a menagerie.
Museum of Jurassic Technology: Achieved! I'd say the best way for me to describe it is that it was as if John Hodgman and David Eggers were given a small building as a tool to tell you a story. My host during my stay and museum co-patron Andrew remarked that he could not wait to come there again "high". Whatever that means.
The ocean: Achieved! Put my hand in it, at least. I'm not much of a beach person or a swimmer, so I'm glad I could just stare at it for a while. I think I saw whales from the plane, where it was dry and I could wear shoes.
Various eateries: Achieved! I ate a lot of good food, from Lulu's Cafe to The Vegan Spot. But nothing compared to Astro Burger. Oh sweet Astro Burger, if I could only offer you more in return for your service than this enthusiastic Yelp review.
Hollywood Forever Cemetery: Ahem. More on this later.

The comedy experience was really great. I don't know what else to say without sounding like an idiot, but I could not have met more of my idols or performed for cooler people. I'm still a little too star-struck to brag. Shaking someone's hand, or telling them they're awesome, these things mean something to me. Lives are short and meeting someone who has inspired a deep well of creativity in me makes me very cheesy. Even if "meeting" the person means no more than a moment of eye contact and a chance to say "you're awesome". So I will just say I got to do that multiple times, and it kind of melted my brain. That I didn't just perform in the festival but got to do and see shows elsewhere around town every single night I was there, sometimes three shows a night, was fantastic.

Right before I left Chicago one of my stand-up heroes saw a set of mine and told me afterwards that it was great. That should have prepared me a bit. It didn't. I'm a big fucking nerd.

I also had a great dinner with a writer friend and some of his writer friends, and I gained a wealth of perspective about what it's like to be a working writer in Hollywood. Most of them work in reality television, so I got to hear some truly disturbing and hilarious stories of footage they've watched.

And so I didn't do everything on my list, but I did fill in the gaps hanging out with friends and such. One friend in particular did some shows with me, got drunk with me, and together we attempted to scale a ten foot wall into a famous Hollywood landmark. "Attempt" is also perhaps too strong a word, as we didn't really do anything illegal. I did screw up my hand and now have a great story and stupid scar.

LA!

2008-11-11T17:37:00.004-06:00

I just spent a day doing some tourist-alicious stuff out here in LA, like the tar pits and the scenic overlook on Mullholland Drive. Tonight I have two shows, one at the festival, and one at the UCB after that (this show is free!). I think I'll have some friends coming to both shows, and I'm getting a chance to perform with some comics I really admire, so I can't not have a good time.

This is my first time away from home for days at a time since I've become a father, and it's a bit lonely. I'm certainly enjoying a break from the daily grind of computer repair, and the comedy will be awesome, but I like my family too.

Atomic Nerdery!

2008-11-08T16:37:00.002-06:00

Tonight's your last chance before this show goes back on the shelf! Come check it out before it's too late. $5 and BYOB!

Dear Democrat,

2008-11-05T19:28:00.009-06:00

This week I voted for many of you, and many of you were elected to office. Illinois is currently one the most liberally run states, and yet we are famous for corruption right now. Our governor has a terrible approval rating, accusations are flying, and people are going to jail. And there were a ton of Green candidates on the local ballot this year. Pretty tempting!

In spite of all this, I voted for you. Some of you seemed to have very progressive agendas, perhaps inspired to stick your neck out by your fearless "big candidate" and all the change he is promising. S0, reckless idealist that I am, I voted for you.

California just spent $74 million to fight over their new married couples, and they lost. Couples with children have to go home and tell their sons and daughters why they aren't married anymore, even though they have been together for decades and love each other very much. That anyone thinks they own the idea of marriage is hideous. No-one can own an idea. It is unconstitutional to bend this idea to the morals of only part of our population, and yet states are fending for themselves to resist progress. They don't want to believe this is the next big step forward for the human condition. They are fighting love, simple honest love, and I know they will lose, but how long will it take? Their pocketbooks are deep, funded mostly by Mormon polygamists with billions of dollars who run hateful and misleading commercials. I don't even think polygamy is wrong per se (though I do think the impulse to keep multiple wives because you think of them as an entitlement is creepy as hell) but the irony of these people trying to undo the rights of homosexuals stings me in the gut. And they're not even a big group, they're just scaring mainstream Christians to fall into line with them, Christians who don't even know Mormons are behind the campaign. They just see a commercial every hour on the major networks telling them their 5 year old will be taught to be gay in school.

There are no expensive reasons for what happened in Arkansas. The state is relatively poor, with desperately few foster homes. Arkansas spoke from their gut, despite the screaming relevance of the brain in such a case. Now no unmarried couple can adopt a child, something horrible that the entire state should be ashamed of, but only 44% will be. 44% who tried, and must now eat crow, despite the overwhelming evidence that they are right and coming from a place of truth and empathy.

You now have a President, Democrats. That's wonderful on many levels- he's not another descendant of worthless, pasty Stonemasons. He can charm the rings off of Saturn. He has a Kenyan half brother who was carried through streets to chants of "We're going to the White House!" That is beautiful. I have some issues with his follow through on certain policies, but it's a historic victory and a soft left turn for our country after 8 long years of turning in right-hand circles.

But the backlash was instantaneous. Now I don't have just to worry about my state's corruption, but other states are being swallowed in negativity. Do they even know it? I see them cheering their anti-gay laws, most of them cheering themselves on for squelching their latent desire to sodomize their drinking buddies, and I am terrified. You can see it in their eyes. They do not want to understand, they only want to be right. Clearly Illinois has a large conservative base outside the comforts of Chicago. Democrats are constantly screwing up their work here. Things could get bad any second. You can tell by hearing the justifications, that marriage needs to be "taken back", or "protected". There is no threat, and yet people are steeling themselves. They fear only one thing: change. The word echoing through the streets for the last 2 years became a battle cry, and they took it as personally as they could.

So I urge you: dig deep. Find the bravest nerve in your body and speak out for gay rights. Make this another proud progressive state. Our new President Elect just mentioned equal rights for those who are both gay and straight in his acceptance speech! Can you believe it? It was thrilling to hear, and yet we will never get there if states do not get behind him. He's our hometown hero, right? Supposedly? Let's fall into line behind "hope" and "progress" and "change" now, before we regret it forever. When my daughter is old enough to tell me she has fallen in love, I refuse to be afraid for what society will say about her depending on the person's gender. Don't be a part of fear, not now, not when we could so easily backslide into the hellscape that was these last 8 years. No faith should empower a person to marginalize part of a population.

We need to reach across the aisle, but we need to do it with respect to those walking down the aisle.

-Dan Telfer

Election Night II

2008-11-03T14:13:00.004-06:00

Here's some political material that, with any luck, will no longer be topical after tomorrow night.

Election Night

2008-11-03T12:00:00.003-06:00

Guess what's a Critic's Pick in TimeOut Chicago?

Tomorrow I'll be performing in the Election Night edition of Chicago Underground Comedy. Who wants to get crushed in a riot or be surrounded by hippies doing anything? If you can't get into the big rally downtown, please come on by. It will be an affirming experience, and less lonely than being stuck at home. Plus you can't beat a $5 ticket, good booze, and good chow.

TimeOut was also nice enough to plug me specifically, calling me "brainy". I'm an elitist as well.

Yes, we'll be keeping the audience up to date on the results. That is, if we don't already have a new President elect by 9:30 when the show starts.

I Love You, Primeval

2008-11-01T21:01:00.005-05:00

You have gigantic, ridiculous prehistoric insects that don't exist, Primeval, but you still make a point on your website that your raptors are based on the species Deinonychus, and not Velociraptor.

Beautiful, just beautiful.

For those unaware of my connection to this concept, see below video.

Zombie Dan Telfer

2008-10-29T09:34:00.003-05:00

Another year of lame jokes about being undead. This year I am only doing the one time, last night. It's fun, but it's a pain in the ass to wash off greasepaint in a bar bathroom. Thanks to everyone who came out, it was a great time.

I'm doing a bunch of shows next week to ramp up for my trip to LA- Chicago Underground Comedy, Lincoln Lodge, and Atomic Nerdery. It would be nice to see your lovely face.

The Scene that Needs to Happen on BBC's "Primeval"

2008-10-28T16:12:00.007-05:00

FADE IN:

1 INT. THE ARC- DAY - DAY ONE

Nick sits at the anomaly monitoring station. Helen appears
behind him.

NICK
You stupid tart! Why are you always in
those beast-woman costumes?

HELEN
Listen, Nick, I have to tell you
something important. I'm able to appear
and reappear through the anomalies, despite
their seemingly random nature, because I am
a temporal ghost in a temporary physical
form. I am able to survive on the other side
of anomalies for millions of years, follow
alternate timelines, and still return to this
time and place because I can accumulate
infinite knowledge, survive without
nourishment, and never change in appearance.

NICK
That's a bit labored, but I suppose since
we're dealing with the idea of infinity and
tears in space and time, it's better than
no answer at all.

Connor runs into the room.

CONNOR
How did she get past security?

NICK
She is an immortal spirit doomed to haunt me
through time. By the way, that means you
remember Claudia right?

HELEN
Of course. You love her don't you?

NICK
Claudia, Jenny, whoever. I just needed a
confirmation that you had a memory of that
timeline. Coming back to the present only
to discover that the nature of my own period
of history had been altered was the single
most traumatic moment of my life.

HELEN
True, it would only be fair to acknowledge
we shared the memory of that now lost string
of reality, since it is a profound thing that
only the two of us share, and since our
chemistry is in desperate need of some tiny
uniting theme.

CONNOR
Nick! This is important! Remember when I
identified those dinosaurs as raptors in the
shopping centre? I rather vaguely referred to
them as "raptors", but I should have been more
specific since several weeks later you made a quip
about Velociraptors: they were most likely
Utahraptors, not Velociraptors. Velociraptors were
much smaller-

NICK
Who cares, man?

CONNOR
I'd think you would, being a professor of
prehistoric bloody creatures. I guess I'm just
some nerd who cares more about biological
accuracy than the people in society who are
supposedly burdened with that responsibility.

Abby runs into the room chasing an Archeopteryx. She is
in her underwear for some reason. She continues through
another door. Nobody notices.

35 Pounds

2008-10-19T22:14:00.002-05:00

August:

October:

Words cannot express how nice it is, as a man of the already limiting height of six and a half feet tall, to be able to fit in more of the clothes this strange world makes available to the average consumer.

LA Comedy Festival Tickets on Sale

2008-10-17T09:59:00.001-05:00

Tickets are available here. I'm performing November 11th, 13th, and 14th. Check out my dorky little page in the performers section as well!

Rooftop Comedy interview

2008-10-15T15:16:00.004-05:00

Rooftop Comedy just did a very flattering interview with me here. Yay! Tell them to invite me to their Aspen Comedy Festival in the comments or something!

Atomic Nerdery

2008-10-13T15:32:00.002-05:00

This Saturday at midnight will be the first of two test shows I'm doing for a variety hour called Atomic Nerdery. It's a collaboration between me and Belmont Burlesque Revue co-producer Megan Pedersen, who produced a previous incarnation called "Forbidden Planet Cosmic Cabaret".

The idea is that I host an evening of nerdy comedy. The old show was more sci-fi based, with dashes of other nerdy bits like introversion and video game related material. Megan had canceled the run of FPCC for various reasons, so as a former regular guest I approached her about this idea of relaunching a more solid, high-aspirationed show and we hammered out what we now have. There will be stand-up, sketch, sword fighting, films, and more.

We're just doing these two shows and taping them, with the idea that we can show the tapes to venues and look for a discounted rent. This will be $5 well spent, folks. SWORD-FIGHTING. And this first film is so high-concept I think it will blow your mind. Please come on by, I've got more details here on our MySpace page.

Maria Bamford Shows Being Rescheduled

2008-10-09T15:22:00.001-05:00

I'll post when I hear the new dates- tickets will be honored or refunded.

Examiner: Best in Chicago!

2008-10-04T14:54:00.001-05:00

The Examiner just named me one of the Best Comics in Chicago!

LA Dates

2008-09-29T11:15:00.002-05:00

I've got my dates confirmed for the LA Comedy Festival, and some other performances are trickling in to fill the gaps. I'm pretty stoked.

You can check them either in the left margin of this blog, or on my Upcoming Gigs on my MySpace page.

Weight

2008-09-24T10:58:00.007-05:00

I haven't blogged about my diet in a while. It's going great. I'm about to hit the mark of 30 pounds lost. On Sunday I dipped under 230 pounds for the first time since my freshman year of college. When I saw "229" on the scale I was a little dumbstruck. When I started this diet I was 255, but only a couple of years ago I was as much as 280.

280 was my weight for a number of reasons. I was finishing college, I was depressed because I had gotten a theater degree and I was trapped working at a bookstore, I had broken from my strict vegetarianism and started eating poultry, and to my credit I was a stage combat teacher's assistant. Swinging steel broadswords 4 hours a day bulks you up a bit, so I'm pleased to say that much of that weight was muscle. But once school ended that muscle atrophied damn fast. Turns out nobody needs a 6'5" dorky type in their swordy plays. I remember my final year in college I auditioned for MacBeth on the big mainstage and was sooooo flustered when I didn't get cast. Of course they didn't cast me! Which Scottish Thane looks like a cross between David Tennant and a pile of bread dough? I had one more role as a thug in Romeo and Juliet in the suburbs, and my need to have any combat skill disappeared.

Anyway, I digressed quite a bit. The weight loss has been beyond great. I'm doing it by eating salads, bananas, and broccoli instead of pizza and water instead of lattes. What's great is that I just wanted to be healthier. I had no idea I would melt off pounds like this. The best part is I have my old pencil neck back, so you can sort of see my weak chin again.

It's amazing how self-obsessed I got in this entry, but I have done nothing but talk about comedy nerdery for weeks so I figured I would talk about myself for once.

Super High Me

2008-09-20T22:35:00.011-05:00

The movie came out a few days after the birth of my child, so I haven't been able to watch it until now. I wanted to throw my hat into the ring as yet another person/comedian who has never smoked pot but really enjoyed the movie.

I'm not sure what I was expecting- I'm a fan of Doug Benson's but the pot aspect wasn't automatically compelling to me. I thought it might be a sort of tour diary with this goofy pot experiment.

I should have known better seeing as how Michael Blieden was directing, and how much I love that guy. This film somehow managed to be not only a highly amusing parody of Super Size Me, but a more compelling and effective film.

Instead of playing the card of "look at me, I'm exposing a corporate machine by visibly hurting myself with their product, wah!" Super High Me took a more passive route. "Look at this thing that's fun. It's not hurting me. It actually helps some people. Who gives a shit? Oh? I guess the government does for some reason." Whereas Spurlock shoved a lot of his opinions into the documentary, making it more of a Michael Moore kind of film, the cameras here just sort of sat back and collected real life drama unfolding with no provacation. Instead of the drama being forced or manufactured via the protagonist, this protagonist sat back and the world around him goes nuts.

In that respect I was expecting a very passive movie. Don't stoners just sit around and giggle? If I don't smoke pot, how will watching this be funny?

The premise is that Doug, one of the stoneriest comedians out there, would give up pot for 30 days, then smoke an ungodly amount of pot for 30 days. The whole time he would be filmed by cameras, take a lot of tests, get physicals, etc.

Test after test revealed very little going on other than Doug getting a little fatter. Turns out, mega high or bracingly sober, Doug is an extremely likable and harmless guy. The comedy doesn't come from pot jokes, but from him referencing his condition in a self-effacing way.

Then, the drama. This is where I was really surprised. Cameras followed Doug to licensed California medical marijuana vendors, where both Doug and more serious patients could legally buy weed. They interviewed cancer and AIDS patients who needed pot for appetite and pain relief. These things weren't the surprise. What was so astounding was the amount of incidental footage of these businesses being shut down and destroyed by federal agents and patients being arrested and made examples of. I knew pot was legal in California, and I knew it was illegal on a federal level, and I knew these laws clashed. But I didn't know while watching the first act of this film how many of it's secondary characters would get caught up in arrests and raids by the second half, and how many dozens of DEA agents I would see smashing in storefront windows and bumping into sick protesters with government SUVs. Some DEA cops wore paint masks to hide their faces from the cameras. Others smirked while weeping people chanted around them.

Now don't get me wrong- when I was in college I knew a guy who was A) into pot B) allergic to pot and C) in the early stages of full-on schizophrenia. The guy ended up dropping out of school, spending all day nude and high doing yoga and reciting Bible verses. His roommate, a good friend of mine, told me he was cool with it at first (we were theater students and this sort of thing seemed reasonable in the right context) but that it was getting creepier and creepier. One day he confessed he'd "lost control of the living room, and didn't want to be home". Pot and incence smoke could be seen from the courtyard, as well as a naked afro'd man doing yoga poses. My friend spent less and less time at home. One day my friend awoke in the middle of the night to see his roommate nude, covered in rashes, wheezing, staring at him as he slept. He was muttering "get behind me, Satan" over and over and smelled like he'd been dipped in a bong. My friend and his roommate had recently had a broken and uneasy conversation about God telling Satan to "get behind him" and my friend was confused but ended the conversation about as rationally as you could. What my friend didn't know was that his roommate had been hallucinating real demons, and now thought my friend was a demon. The poor roommate started screaming "GET BEHIND ME SATAN!" until my friend managed to leave his bedroom with the guy screaming behind him, run back in, lock the door and call the police. His roommate began punching out all the glass in his apartment. The next morning, after the police had taken him away, I helped my friend clean up the bloody shards of mirror in the bathroom sink and the over 500 sticks of used incense spackled to random places in the unit. If anyone should think "reefer madness" exists, it should be me. But quite clearly science has come a long way in 50 years, and we know freaking out when you're high on pot is about as common as freaking out when you're sober. Yeah, pot fucked him up and put a spin on it, but doctors determined that if he didn't hallucinate demons, it would have been hyenas. The poor guy had bad wiring, and pot had nothing to do with it.

What I'm saying is- the film has a point of view, and is worth watching for that alone.

Netflix this film. If you haven't seen it already because you don't really care about pot smoking, well, it doesn't make me want to smoke my first joint, but it was really funny and really interesting.

Never Not Funny

2008-09-19T18:41:00.008-05:00

Fire up your iTunes, Season 4 of the best podcast ever, Never Not Funny, is about to begin.

Never heard of it? Well here's a rundown I gave of the show on The Bastion a couple months ago, but I'll sum up quickly here: if you love stand-up comedy or comedy in general, you need to get on this. Modeled after the chatty style of Ricky Gervais' groundbreaking podcast, some of the funniest people in the universe come on as guests. They ramble about dumb things, make jokes for the sake of being goofy, it's as unpretentious as it gets. But you also get to hear about the backstage life of stand-ups, what the business is like in LA, and other conversation gems.

Does it cost money? Yeah, a little. But I'm not fucking around when I call it the best podcast ever. I subscribe to something like 10 free podcasts off of NPR alone, as well as 10+ comedy podcasts. Never Not Funny is so entertaining that most of them are just filler between Thursday nights (when they typically upload a new episode). And the cost is so cheap- $20 for 25 90-minute episodes. There's a free feed where you get the first 20 minutes, but it doesn't include the bonus episodes of live material taped out of the UCB theater in Los Angeles. That's "Primo" subscription only.

Past guests include my personal stand-up heroes- Maria Bamford, Patton Oswalt, Paul F. Tompkins, as well as comedy friends that host Jimmy Pardo has known for years. Hell, Jimmy is a stand-up hero of mine.

I know I'm being really gushy and shit, but whatever. I know what I'm fucking talking about. I've been doing comedy for 12 years, I run a fun show, you should delight in my opinion, friends. The whole time I'll be in LA this November I'll be wondering "Huh, I wonder is Never Not Funny is taping around the corner right now?" I'm not just a comedian, I'm a big comedy nerd. Subscribe.

iTunes

2008-09-19T10:20:00.005-05:00

Using the $25 iTunes giftcard I won in a caption contest held by Chris Hardwick, I have so far purchased the albums Jimmy Carr Stand-Up (available as an audio CD only in the UK), and Show Us Your Demons by Dirt Bike Annie (which I used to own on CD but lost).

I now have enough for individual tracks only. What to buy? It's hard to make choices now because A) if you love a band, wouldn't you buy the whole album and support them? And of course B) if you don't really like the band... but you like one song... Hoo boy it's easy to get that for free. Not that I ever would, right? But you can pretty much make those tracks fall out of the sky by closing your eyes and wishing real hard. Well, not even that hard. I'm pretty sure you can get the song onto your iPod by sticking your arm out and kind of waving it around while thinking about dinner.

Right now I am trying to decide between B-Sides of bands I like. It's a toughie.

Los Angeles Comedy Festival

2008-09-15T15:14:00.001-05:00

Still working out the dates, but I'll be performing stand-up at the Los Angeles Comedy Festival this November!

More details to come.

Birbigs

2008-09-12T11:35:00.007-05:00

Last night, for my birthday, my famous brother took me to see Mike Birbiglia at the Lakeshore Theater. Man, it was a good time. He did something very neat wherein the first half of his show was a preview his 90 minute soon-to-be-Off-Broadway show, and then after an intermission he did a more "traditional" stand-up set.

If you're familiar with Mike's stand-up, you know (as a recent TimeOut article touched on) he used to do very "traditional" stand-up. Then he started reading his blog onstage, it got a huge response, he recorded an album of it, and now he is headed in a very story-based/solo-performance kind of direction.

I told my brother after the show that it reminded me a lot of what happened to Paul F. Tompkins, where he was a great stand-up a long time ago, but after a while he wanted to do more stories about his life and interweave them as opposed to just jokes. And then of course it brings to mind all the stand-ups who do stand-up for a few years and suddenly get this wild hair up their ass to do a "one man show". All of this is of interest to me because long before I did stand-up I was doing auto-biographical solo performance storytelling type stuff, inspired by my college mentor and former Neo-Futurist Stephanie Shaw.

Then stand-up just got easier to find a venue for.

Also, my friend Andrew DeWitt (moving to LA any second) is a great stand-up who does, almost exclusively, storytelling stand-up.

And as people who have seen me perform multiple times know, I still tell stories in my stand-up, but mix in what you could call "jokes", or "lies for humor's sake".

So I'm not opposed to people moving linearly from stand-up to storytelling, but I find that one thing is almost always point A and one point B interesting. I mean, I've always done improv comedy, but as far as solo performance I was doing point B before A. Clearly this is a progression decades old: a one-person creator of ideas moves from "silly" to "serio-comic" and wants labels to guide their audiences along the way.

I'm very glad there's an audience for both. Shows like This American Life and NYC's The Moth have made a lot of pathways between the two styles, and that makes me excited to be in the game. I really like it in particular because of how much it can loosen up a stand-up comedian. When I think of the stand-up that bothers me most, it's comedians who can't adapt their set for different rooms, comedians who are so inflexibly insincere you can't connect with them, etc. Some auto-biography in one form or another enriches comedy so fucking much.

But as much as the internet has become a great tool for guys like Mike, by making podcasts and streaming material on video sites comedians are constantly told by managers and peers that they are wasting or "burning" their material. Does someone enjoy Mike Birbiglia's show less if they subscribe to his blog or heard the heart of his main storyline on the radio? I'm sure not. But try dumping all your creations online for free before you've got a rabid national college following. As accessible as the internet is, people want something they can be guaranteed will be good. And I wonder if there's a way to do that anymore without first traveling the country to exhaustion and meeting people face to face. I think I know the answer, but I am still thinking on it.

I'm not sure I have any final thoughts on this swarm of ideas. But I had a good time last night and Mike's success is an interesting organism.

Turning 30

2008-09-08T11:17:00.007-05:00

I turn 30 on the 14th.

I am excited. Why not? I have some silver hairs in my sideburns, and I haven't played a video game in months. Let's make it official! I have a hot wife and an awesome baby, I have no need for illusions of false youth. As far as I'm concerned, I "won" life.

Thank you to everyone who contributed to my 20's. We did this together.

It's hard to believe that 10 years ago I lived in a Wicker Park apartment with a gay, black dancer who tried really hard (and failed) to set me up with female dancer friends while he himself liked to walk around nude at night, and a musical theater major who got crabs and had to shave her whole body and burn her mattress, and liked to walk around nude at night.

It's hard to believe that 10 years ago my dream was to die an old improv guru still living in Chicago, in a studio apartment, surrounded by video games and Star Wars collectibles.

It's hard to believe that 10 years ago I thought my job as a host/dishwasher at Second City might one day lead to someone at that theater letting me onstage.

It's hard to believe that 10 years ago I could finish a 24 pack of Mountain Dew in a couple days.

It's hard to believe I could eat an entire cheese pizza alone while playing Final Fantasy, and my only regret would be going to class the next morning.

I thought it was my theater department's fault that there were no roles for lugubrious ogre nerds.

I thought another person's theater could be the center of my universe.

I don't really have a transition out of those silly memories of myself 10 years ago. I hope it's more interesting than me just musing on where I am now. I'd rather live in the moment by doing rather than navel-gazing. I ponder my present existence way too much, even with heavy editing.

I will say that I don't feel as different a person as I thought I would.

So there's my obligatory "I'm turning 30" post.

Fan Art

2008-09-07T02:08:00.000-05:00

Something weird happened when I started doing stand-up... People started drawing me. I didn't ask anyone to do this, for some reason they took it upon themselves. One person who has done this multiple times, as if it will eventually purge some kind of brain parasite I gave him, is Noah Ginex. His first time was a simple sketch:

Don't I look wry, bordering on chipper? But just the other day, he dropped this bombshell on me, inspired by my material revolving around Shark Week:

That's some fantastic, startlingly accurate stuff. Just look at me- clearly if I was a shark I would not only have vision problems and overdress, I'd have a sort of pout to my toothy maw. It wouldn't be enough that I was the largest killing machine on Earth, I'd continue to have existential problems.

There is a third drawing he made that I have the paper copy of and haven't scanned yet. It's me, telling a joke into a microphone, while Salacious Crumb pulls my eyeball out C-3PO style. I'm sure you can guess the look on my face.

"I guess I'm going to keep telling this joke, but I sure wish you'd stop eating my robotic eye!"

Oh, Noah.

-5 Charisma

2008-09-06T23:48:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my attempt at a dantelfer.com!

I have other blogs, but this is where I will post comedy updates and other stuff that pertains to my adventures in creativity. Finally, an RSS feed and everything after blogging for over a decade. Some nerd I am.